Tagged

So I guess this is what it takes to get me to blog.

i tried really hard to get a *cute* picture. I took about twenty plus with different head angles and everything. I thought about posting of few of the really terrible ones but I knee jerk deleted them. lol Guess I am use to destroying bad pictures on sight.

I suppose a real blog entry might be needed as well.

It has been oh like two months. Yikes. I think Rachel is the only one who has suffered any during this long delay which is one reason I am thinking about getting rid of this blog. It just hangs out in cyber space being neglected. I'm not sure I need another thing wanting my attention right now. We'll see though. Maybe I am up for the challenge now that there is some more room. Wich brings me to my newest ephiphany: letting go can be good.

So the biggest thing going on in my life right now is me learning to let go.

Which will probably be a super fun life long challenge for me!

I have been playing the martyr and milking it for all its worth. I am pretty talented at this. I do it much much less now but I use to have it pretty perfected.

It starts with setting up a situation that is so intense and draining that you can illicit pity from it.

For me that would be 24-7 mothering.

Then you talk about how hard it is and how tired, drained, depleted, and under stimulated you are. That gives a great opening for the pity to come rolling it.

The pity feels good. "Woe is me, doing so much!"

This is where th monkey wrench comes flying in like the mokeys from The Wizard of Oz, coming to ruin all my plans. Your loving wonderful sweet caring husband offers to let you out of the house, again and again. He wants to share the burden, to help. You refuse. You brush it off.

Doesn't he know they can't survive with out you. They NEED you. You are essential. You are

the glue. The OXYGEN. Does he want to sufficate?

*Ummm . . . this is when you must stop and reliave that you have in fact become insane.*

You must give in and go out. They survive. They have fun!!! *gasp The baby doesn't cry for hours, in fact she isn't even a baby anymore, she is a toddler!

And it hurts like HELL. It feels like you are being torn apart on the inside. They can survive with out you. You are not bread and water, you are not essential to survival. Turns out you are the icing on the cake. You are loved and wanted but not necessary. They can do it without you.

And that rocks your world . . . .

Or at least it rocked mine.

Turns out I needed a little rocking.

I needed to separate a little. It was good, healthy, NECESSARY.

Shaun and Bree actually like each other. Enjoy being together. She is his daughter. heis her Dad. This is important, this is just as huge as mother and daughter. It needed room to grow, develop, evolve.

Now I have room to breath. I have my own identity separate from baby girl. It hurt at first but now it feels good. It makes sense. It is healthy. It is doable. I see now why I would, could, even want to have another baby. There is room here in this family, once I let go. Once I let her grow and love other people.

It was so freakin hard but it feels so good.

That said I am tagging Rachel and Kendall!

Let us see those pictures!

Wrap up

So if you read all three of those posts you can probably tell by now that I am loving my life. I am enjoying Bree and her fun personality and her growing independence which translates into independence for me and for Shaun and me. Life is good.

I'm going to end this mega stream of posts with the best news.

Bree is walking.

She took her first sting of steps on Thursday. She is super cautious and takes tiny steps. It is ADORABLE.

(I'm so glad Rachel could be there to see it. I hate letting her drive away at the end of the weekend it is insane how much she needs to be part of my daily life. All I need to do is find Rico and her jobs in SLO. Anyone know of any good HR or ARCH jobs? If you do let me know!)

I am proud of our little munchkin. I'm looking forward to hearing the pitter patter of her little feet for years to come!!

Post Part III, Adults Time

There has been a drought in the free time department.

Having a kid will do that to yah. Bree is older now though and needs less from Mom and Dad. That means we have been able to partake in some well needed and supper duper appreciated alone time!

The highlight of last month was getting to spend the whole weekend in Carmel with out Aubrey. My brother and his lovely wife let us stay at their house which is just blocks from downtown Carmel. They happened to both be out of town at the same time the exact weekend that my mom dad and sister were going to watch Bree for us. GOD BLESS them all.

The weekend was wonderful. We sat by the fire and talked, snuggled, and you know enjoyed being alone. :) It Rained and we got to be cozy at night. The next day it was gorgeous and sunny and we laid out on their lawn like lizards. The beach walks were refreshing and reminded me of when we lived in Grover Beach. We didn't do anything extravagant because we didn't need to. Having mellow adult time was extravagant for us.

It was beyond words fantastic to hang out with my husband and be just a couple.
Yum I Can't wait to do it again.

We also got to have date night on our own turf which never happens. Our sweet wonderful friends are going to be sitting for Bree one night a month and we will the favor and sit for their boy. We need to do this as friends, look after one another and provide relief! When Ann arrived Bree crawled over to her and sat in her lap and Ann said alright Mom we're good here. And it was so cute! She was ready to hang out with Ann and we just left with no tears or sadness.

Shaun and I went to Woodstocks and then sat at Pete's coffee until they closed and we got free scones. It was right up my alley and fell on a night that Shaun really needed to relax after a LONG day at work. All in all, it rocked! Thanks Ann and Corban.

Then to top it all off my Husband watched Bree this weekend, in the morning so I could go to a friends baby shower. Do we all know what a big deal this is?

Shaun is not, I repeat NOT a morning person.
This was an act of love. Love for me and for Bree.
It was so nice to get out! and to celebrate a special thing like this and enjoy my friends and meet some new ones too.

Then the next night he took Bree home and did dinner and bath and everything -so I could hang with Rachel and Rico and go out to dinner with them and our friends Megan and Nick. It was a night of awesome conversation.

It was sooo nice to hang out with people who don't have kids. Understand what I mean here: I love my friend who have kids. I love my Mom friends. It just so happens that we almost always just talk about our kids. They are fun to talk about. In fact we love talking about them and there is a lot to say, since we are with them 24-7. After we swap sleep, poop, and behavior info usually we have run out of time and don't get a chance to connect as adults. I'm working on breaking this pattern with the lovely Mom's I know because I they have some great things to share but it is still a challenge. That is why I loved hanging out with these two amazing couples. The conversation was engaging interesting and got me thinking. It was a blessing to my brain and my spirit. And it is all thanks to my man who stayed home so I could go out.

Again I just have to say, Shaun ROCKs!

Post Part II, Visitor

My awesome friend from Australia came to visit our little family once again. She was here for a week and a half! Bree and I took her to all of our things: mommy group, play dates, girls night out. It was great seeing her meet the people who are important to me. We had a blast. She is so sweet with Aubrey, they way she talks to her and interacts with her. It was such a treat for Bree and for me to watch. We also loved having the extra pair of hands around the house.

Having her here in winter though made me miss her summer visit so much, when a walk to the park everyday was the best. Ohhh how I miss the feel of that warm sun heating me up. Summer I long for you. The rain is great since every living thing needs water. :) But it is not so great for a SAH Mom with no car. Thankfully in Atascadero we can have rain and sun in the same day!

We also got to see our best couple friends Rico and Rachel. They had two different engagement shoots to do in SLO so we pulled out the air mattresses and fit five people into our little house. It gets cozy so good thing we all get along. I got to help them a bit with their second photo shoot doing assistant stuff. It was awesome to be part of it and see them in action. They are so creative and talented. If you need wedding shoots, maternity pictures, family portraits, or anything of the sort check them out! www.studiocastillero.com

I love it when they come. And hate it when they leave. At least we will get to see them in March when we take Bree on her first mini road trip down to SD. And we are going to the ZOO!

Post Part I, Naps

lt has been over a month since I last posted. YIKES. I have so much I could talk about which feels nice for a change.

I've decided to write what Bree is doing during all my posts:
Right now Bree is walking (spoiler alert), crawling, laying around with her sippy cup. Eating it, drinking through it, sucking on it, and holding it on her head. Fun times!

I guess I should start with an update on the nap situation. Things are totally fine now. Turns out Bree is just turning more and more into a Little person everyday. And as a little person she decides to exercise her right to not sleep., even when she is tired. She doesn't want to nap, she wants to play. So instead of going down the moment I put her in her crib she needs to get her ya-yas out before she can fall asleep. I was too attentive and was not giving her time ALONE to do this. I had to keep checking on her. It was an obsession.

Remember the last time you tried to take a nap? Would it have helped you to fall asleep if someone had come in every few minutes to "check" on you. Especially if the last time they did you were just laying there staring about to succumb to sleep. Well if your not sure I think I can answer for you. No it would not help! In fact it would make things so much worse. Especially if you liked this person and would much rather play with them than sleep.

So I have had to let go. For real this time. lol. And let me find sleep on her own. Turns out I don't need to know the moment she falls asleep. I don't need to make sure she is covered with a blanket. What I need to do is make sure she can fall asleep on her own because I won't be able to follow her around all her life putting a pacifier in her mouth, throwing her back into bed , and wrapping her up in a blanket so she won't move when she can't sleep. I do plan on having a life some day and I think this scenario would make it very hard for Bree to have any friends in her dorm.

Shaun was really helpful through this whole process.
Yay for strong husbands!

Prayers

I am putting out a call for prayer.

I have been very discouraged and frustrated this past week. The issue causing this mood disturbance is Bree's sleep. She has been fitting naps or taking very short ones and being cranky and tired when she wakes up. I hate when I feel I am not doing a good job with her. I wonder if I should have waited to put her down or if I waited too long, or if she is just teething and no matter what I do it will still be crazy, or if she is having gas, or . . . . etc. The list goes on.

I was REALLY letting it get to me. I was letting her long battles with sleep become in a way my own battles. The more moms I commented to and consulted the more I realized that I am the problem- and not in the way I was thinking.

God made Bree and I two different people. Her life is her own, her experiences are her own, and her struggles are her own as well. Don't miss understand me, I am fully aware that she is only nine and a half months old. She still needs me, a whole lot! But I have boundaries. Boundaries I am very good as erasing, crossing over, and at time completely ignoring. No more. (in theory) It is time to embrace the boundaries. Time to let my success be marked by more than just how well Bree slept and what kind of mood she is in!

So upon reflection it turns out the issue causing my frustration and sadness it really me. haha Surprise!

Therefore the prayer request I am putting out there is that those of you who know the Lord will lift me up and pray for strength and wisdom. Bree is wonderful and I will not be able to make her life perfect and smooth. I am a big factor in the bumpiness of her life but not the one in control. So thank you for reading and hopefully commiseration, and then heartfelt praying.

I appreciate it and need it!

Let me know if there is anything I can be praying for to help you.

Another year

Shaun let Bree sit up in the bath tub the other night. And it unleashed a flood of emotions from me. I actually sat on the couch all curled up looking at him like he was evil.

It was pathetic. Thankfully Shaun is a very forgiving guy who happens to love me, a lot!

I cried a little too. Turns out I am sad to let my baby grow up. She is nine months old now. The poor thing deserves to play in the tub. She is steady enough now and smart enough not to do anything too crazy like try and climb out and slip and kill herself. I can see that now after watching her play in there. Her Grandma got her a basket ball hoop with big suction cups and some balls, she loves to chase after the balls and grab them and then of course, put them in her mouth.

She is getting bigger. She will turn one this year. She will walk in the next month or two. She will never again be my baby.

I can have another baby and I have reminded of that fact by many people. But I think Skylana will understand what I mean when I say, "but this little one, this baby is my baby."

I'm working through the pain. lol I am learning to embrace the chance because I can't stop it as my dear husband pointed out, "I am powerful but not that powerful."

So true . . . deep breaths.