Tuesday, April 28, 2009


So I guess this is what it takes to get me to blog.

i tried really hard to get a *cute* picture. I took about twenty plus with different head angles and everything. I thought about posting of few of the really terrible ones but I knee jerk deleted them. lol Guess I am use to destroying bad pictures on sight.

I suppose a real blog entry might be needed as well.

It has been oh like two months. Yikes. I think Rachel is the only one who has suffered any during this long delay which is one reason I am thinking about getting rid of this blog. It just hangs out in cyber space being neglected. I'm not sure I need another thing wanting my attention right now. We'll see though. Maybe I am up for the challenge now that there is some more room. Wich brings me to my newest ephiphany: letting go can be good.

So the biggest thing going on in my life right now is me learning to let go.

Which will probably be a super fun life long challenge for me!

I have been playing the martyr and milking it for all its worth. I am pretty talented at this. I do it much much less now but I use to have it pretty perfected.

It starts with setting up a situation that is so intense and draining that you can illicit pity from it.

For me that would be 24-7 mothering.

Then you talk about how hard it is and how tired, drained, depleted, and under stimulated you are. That gives a great opening for the pity to come rolling it.

The pity feels good. "Woe is me, doing so much!"

This is where th monkey wrench comes flying in like the mokeys from The Wizard of Oz, coming to ruin all my plans. Your loving wonderful sweet caring husband offers to let you out of the house, again and again. He wants to share the burden, to help. You refuse. You brush it off.

Doesn't he know they can't survive with out you. They NEED you. You are essential. You are

the glue. The OXYGEN. Does he want to sufficate?

*Ummm . . . this is when you must stop and reliave that you have in fact become insane.*

You must give in and go out. They survive. They have fun!!! *gasp The baby doesn't cry for hours, in fact she isn't even a baby anymore, she is a toddler!

And it hurts like HELL. It feels like you are being torn apart on the inside. They can survive with out you. You are not bread and water, you are not essential to survival. Turns out you are the icing on the cake. You are loved and wanted but not necessary. They can do it without you.

And that rocks your world . . . .

Or at least it rocked mine.

Turns out I needed a little rocking.

I needed to separate a little. It was good, healthy, NECESSARY.

Shaun and Bree actually like each other. Enjoy being together. She is his daughter. heis her Dad. This is important, this is just as huge as mother and daughter. It needed room to grow, develop, evolve.

Now I have room to breath. I have my own identity separate from baby girl. It hurt at first but now it feels good. It makes sense. It is healthy. It is doable. I see now why I would, could, even want to have another baby. There is room here in this family, once I let go. Once I let her grow and love other people.

It was so freakin hard but it feels so good.

That said I am tagging Rachel and Kendall!
Let us see those pictures!


Anonymous said...

YAY! It's a good thing they can survive without you, although painful I understand...now me on the other hand....that's a different story. CAN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU !!!!!!

You tagged me, but what does that mean? am I supposed to list like 5 things about me, or post a picture or what? what are the tagging rules for this tag?

Erin said...

oh ha ha good point. You are suppose to snap a picture of yourself when you get tagged, before you have time to primp and get yourself together. sice you are at work right now it isn't so revealing and you might need to take your picture when you get home. Good thing you are not vegging out on the couch during nap time like i was!

A thankful heart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
A thankful heart said...

annoooooying...sheeesh..i thought you were giving up your blog...i just about have and now i have to do this tag thing...thanks! ( i secretly don't mind!) i loooove revenge...it will be sweet my friend:)

Erin said...

So where is that picture Mrs Kendall?

Carleigh said...

i like your blog erin :) xoxo

Kristen Borland said...

you have a blog?! did i know this?

how are you??? i loved this post. when are we getting together? i think i need to call you. :)