Free

I was joking with a friend the other day.

I told her that I wasn't trying as hard with the second one. I told her it didn't matter as much to me how he turned out.

It was a joke, but it got me thinking.

I devote most of my energy to my kids. I save some for my husband, 'cause he is pretty cute. I get out by myself, enjoy my own interests and time with friends, but the majority of my energy is devoted to teaching, shaping, loving, feeding, cleaning up after, and caring for my kids.

I have two now and I find that life with two is easier than life with one.  A lot of things contribute to this. I have more experience, a better support network, I'm older, more mature, better looking (j/k, though I do keep hearing that the long hair is much preferred to the short). All those things are true but they aren't the real reason things are easier. The real reason is that I care less then I did before.

I cared so much when Aubrey was little. I didn't want to mess her up! I wanted to give her this perfect foundation. I wanted to prepare her and protect her and . . . is the whiff of obsession gagging you yet? I meant well, oh so well, but I was slowly killing myself. I was depriving myself of all the fun things that give life its flavor and excitement. And I was ruining what mattered most to me. Being a Mom became almost too oppressive to enjoy.

Desmond saved me from all that. I couldn't keep up that standard with two. I had to let some things go, I had to care less and it set me free. If we have a bad moment, conversation, tuck in, or heck a whole day I move on, do better next time. It's life. This is what makes life interesting, what makes us unique.

If you are starting to get scared here, let me reassure you that my children are still cared for. They do run around wild and naked from time to time but I believe childhood is the best, most appropriate, time to do such things. They are not neglected. They are loved, cared for, taught, and corrected, but they aren't my whole world.

I am me again. A better, wiser, mom-a-fied version. The me I always wanted to be.

Capable

I took the kids to Las Vegas for a few days.
By myself.
We flew in a plane.
They both had colds.

Des, oddly, woke us at 5:30 in the morning that day. He cried and screamed when I had to hold him, my lap child, during taxi and take off. The first day he had only a twenty minute nap in the car to sustain him through air travel and a trip to the circus. That night both kids woke up about five times each, and I was sharing a room with them.

Parts of the trip really sucked but we kept going and it got better.

Yes, Desmond hollered, protested and wailed for maybe half the flight, but we survived and no other passengers harmed us; though I'm sure they thought about it. Still, despite the auspicious beginning I had a great time. We got to visit one of my dear friends, who is referred to as Auntie Nina around here, and my kids were able to play and get to know with her twin girls. And that was a dream come true.

I am capable. We can do this. We can have adventures. We can bend the rules, cry and scream, and recover.

This might not seem like a revelation to any of you reading this, but it is a big one for me. I tend to be conservative about our adventures. I don't like the kids getting "over" tired. I don't like feeling strained. I don't enjoy losing my patience (the kids don't enjoy me when I lose my patience). On the flip side I don't want to live the same day over and over. I want to experience new places and see loved ones who live far away. I want my children to learn flexibility and how to find their rhythm in new places. I miss living out of a suitcase and living with only today in mind. It was great to get a taste of that again.

It started with Vegas but this is just the beginning.

The kids playing at the airport.

Fruits of my Labor

In June my mother-in-law came out from Florida for a visit. Seeing as I had an extra pair of hands I jumped at the chance to go pick out some plants for the "front yard."

(I put this in parentheses because we live in a condo complex so our front yard is actually the community land that I reclaimed for our growing purpose. I pray and hope that everyone enjoys ours plants and flower more than they enjoyed the dry, weedy, dirt patch that was previously there!

So to the nursery we went! We got soybeans and rubharb, a mini orange tree and a tomato plant, two watermelons and one honeydew. all of which my generous mother-in-law purchased for us. Yay for Moms!

The orange tree flourishes. (It is a bit hard to see with the zinnias growing in front of it. it is a dwarf tree after all. It the one with the new growth, the brighter green leaves and branches .)

The soy bean met a early demise when I pulled it thinking it was dead when it fact it was just ready to be harvested.

The rhubarb was destroyed from below, which I discovered when the whole thing wilted like an old salad!

The tomato is either going to take over the world or to solve world hunger (if we can just figure out the shipping costs).

The watermelons were very slow to produce but finally we got one lopsided melon that will be opened when sister bear gets home from school!

And the Melon, the inspirations for this post, produced three melons. The first one we harvested too early, being first time growers and not having any idea what we are actually doing! The second one I just tucked into this morning. I devoured the whole thing in less then 10 minutes. Thankfully I am the only family member who likes honeydew so i am allowed to do that. The third little melon was pulled out before it had a chance to grow (we are currently making room for our fall planting adventures).

So all in all. I'm hooked.

Five months later. Despite the wait, water usage, time and energy, money for dirt and plants, I'd say I am satisfied with our first attempt at growing our own food.

I guess you could say it was one delicious melon and it has me wanting more

May fall bring more gardening adventures, hopefully ending in something edible!

A hobby

I never thought I would find myself in this place.

Alone at 7:53 in the morning.

Desmond has ate and come and gone twice already.

Aubrey is currently experiencing a miracle. It appears

to me that she is going to hit the 8:00 mark for sleeping in.

I cannot despite trying very hard think of another day

since she was a wee baby that she has succeeding in

blessing and freaking her Mom out more.

How can she still be sleeping? Crazy.

So it looks like I need a hobby. After being basically stuck

in bed and then the house for over a week I am in need of an

outlet.

I'm just not sure what to pick.

I could finally learn to sew and stop "neglecting the

gift that is within me" like the quote on my sewing

machine warns me against. I've always loved the idea

of making clothes for my kids. Problem is all the girl

loves are pajamas. Maybe some loving crafted little tops and

dresses could convince her to actually enjoy getting dressed.

There is a photography class next month that seems interesting.

It might allow me to capture beautiful pictures of this quickly

passing season, instead of poorly lit oddly angled shots I take now.

Knitting was on my list of things to learn. Problem is

every time I start I pick up the needles to practice

I end up with weird scarves that bulge in and out and

not adorable little baby sweater. Odd how that works.

The point of the hobby was to get my creativity flowing and

give me a sense of self that wasn't wrapped up on

being a Mom.

But . . . as I look back on my list here every hobby

involves my kids. Baby steps I guess.

Well it is 8:09 and Aubrey has joined me, time to go snuggle.

Tagged

So I guess this is what it takes to get me to blog.

i tried really hard to get a *cute* picture. I took about twenty plus with different head angles and everything. I thought about posting of few of the really terrible ones but I knee jerk deleted them. lol Guess I am use to destroying bad pictures on sight.

I suppose a real blog entry might be needed as well.

It has been oh like two months. Yikes. I think Rachel is the only one who has suffered any during this long delay which is one reason I am thinking about getting rid of this blog. It just hangs out in cyber space being neglected. I'm not sure I need another thing wanting my attention right now. We'll see though. Maybe I am up for the challenge now that there is some more room. Wich brings me to my newest ephiphany: letting go can be good.

So the biggest thing going on in my life right now is me learning to let go.

Which will probably be a super fun life long challenge for me!

I have been playing the martyr and milking it for all its worth. I am pretty talented at this. I do it much much less now but I use to have it pretty perfected.

It starts with setting up a situation that is so intense and draining that you can illicit pity from it.

For me that would be 24-7 mothering.

Then you talk about how hard it is and how tired, drained, depleted, and under stimulated you are. That gives a great opening for the pity to come rolling it.

The pity feels good. "Woe is me, doing so much!"

This is where th monkey wrench comes flying in like the mokeys from The Wizard of Oz, coming to ruin all my plans. Your loving wonderful sweet caring husband offers to let you out of the house, again and again. He wants to share the burden, to help. You refuse. You brush it off.

Doesn't he know they can't survive with out you. They NEED you. You are essential. You are

the glue. The OXYGEN. Does he want to sufficate?

*Ummm . . . this is when you must stop and reliave that you have in fact become insane.*

You must give in and go out. They survive. They have fun!!! *gasp The baby doesn't cry for hours, in fact she isn't even a baby anymore, she is a toddler!

And it hurts like HELL. It feels like you are being torn apart on the inside. They can survive with out you. You are not bread and water, you are not essential to survival. Turns out you are the icing on the cake. You are loved and wanted but not necessary. They can do it without you.

And that rocks your world . . . .

Or at least it rocked mine.

Turns out I needed a little rocking.

I needed to separate a little. It was good, healthy, NECESSARY.

Shaun and Bree actually like each other. Enjoy being together. She is his daughter. heis her Dad. This is important, this is just as huge as mother and daughter. It needed room to grow, develop, evolve.

Now I have room to breath. I have my own identity separate from baby girl. It hurt at first but now it feels good. It makes sense. It is healthy. It is doable. I see now why I would, could, even want to have another baby. There is room here in this family, once I let go. Once I let her grow and love other people.

It was so freakin hard but it feels so good.

That said I am tagging Rachel and Kendall!

Let us see those pictures!

Wrap up

So if you read all three of those posts you can probably tell by now that I am loving my life. I am enjoying Bree and her fun personality and her growing independence which translates into independence for me and for Shaun and me. Life is good.

I'm going to end this mega stream of posts with the best news.

Bree is walking.

She took her first sting of steps on Thursday. She is super cautious and takes tiny steps. It is ADORABLE.

(I'm so glad Rachel could be there to see it. I hate letting her drive away at the end of the weekend it is insane how much she needs to be part of my daily life. All I need to do is find Rico and her jobs in SLO. Anyone know of any good HR or ARCH jobs? If you do let me know!)

I am proud of our little munchkin. I'm looking forward to hearing the pitter patter of her little feet for years to come!!

Post Part III, Adults Time

There has been a drought in the free time department.

Having a kid will do that to yah. Bree is older now though and needs less from Mom and Dad. That means we have been able to partake in some well needed and supper duper appreciated alone time!

The highlight of last month was getting to spend the whole weekend in Carmel with out Aubrey. My brother and his lovely wife let us stay at their house which is just blocks from downtown Carmel. They happened to both be out of town at the same time the exact weekend that my mom dad and sister were going to watch Bree for us. GOD BLESS them all.

The weekend was wonderful. We sat by the fire and talked, snuggled, and you know enjoyed being alone. :) It Rained and we got to be cozy at night. The next day it was gorgeous and sunny and we laid out on their lawn like lizards. The beach walks were refreshing and reminded me of when we lived in Grover Beach. We didn't do anything extravagant because we didn't need to. Having mellow adult time was extravagant for us.

It was beyond words fantastic to hang out with my husband and be just a couple.
Yum I Can't wait to do it again.

We also got to have date night on our own turf which never happens. Our sweet wonderful friends are going to be sitting for Bree one night a month and we will the favor and sit for their boy. We need to do this as friends, look after one another and provide relief! When Ann arrived Bree crawled over to her and sat in her lap and Ann said alright Mom we're good here. And it was so cute! She was ready to hang out with Ann and we just left with no tears or sadness.

Shaun and I went to Woodstocks and then sat at Pete's coffee until they closed and we got free scones. It was right up my alley and fell on a night that Shaun really needed to relax after a LONG day at work. All in all, it rocked! Thanks Ann and Corban.

Then to top it all off my Husband watched Bree this weekend, in the morning so I could go to a friends baby shower. Do we all know what a big deal this is?

Shaun is not, I repeat NOT a morning person.
This was an act of love. Love for me and for Bree.
It was so nice to get out! and to celebrate a special thing like this and enjoy my friends and meet some new ones too.

Then the next night he took Bree home and did dinner and bath and everything -so I could hang with Rachel and Rico and go out to dinner with them and our friends Megan and Nick. It was a night of awesome conversation.

It was sooo nice to hang out with people who don't have kids. Understand what I mean here: I love my friend who have kids. I love my Mom friends. It just so happens that we almost always just talk about our kids. They are fun to talk about. In fact we love talking about them and there is a lot to say, since we are with them 24-7. After we swap sleep, poop, and behavior info usually we have run out of time and don't get a chance to connect as adults. I'm working on breaking this pattern with the lovely Mom's I know because I they have some great things to share but it is still a challenge. That is why I loved hanging out with these two amazing couples. The conversation was engaging interesting and got me thinking. It was a blessing to my brain and my spirit. And it is all thanks to my man who stayed home so I could go out.

Again I just have to say, Shaun ROCKs!