Prayers

I am putting out a call for prayer.

I have been very discouraged and frustrated this past week. The issue causing this mood disturbance is Bree's sleep. She has been fitting naps or taking very short ones and being cranky and tired when she wakes up. I hate when I feel I am not doing a good job with her. I wonder if I should have waited to put her down or if I waited too long, or if she is just teething and no matter what I do it will still be crazy, or if she is having gas, or . . . . etc. The list goes on.

I was REALLY letting it get to me. I was letting her long battles with sleep become in a way my own battles. The more moms I commented to and consulted the more I realized that I am the problem- and not in the way I was thinking.

God made Bree and I two different people. Her life is her own, her experiences are her own, and her struggles are her own as well. Don't miss understand me, I am fully aware that she is only nine and a half months old. She still needs me, a whole lot! But I have boundaries. Boundaries I am very good as erasing, crossing over, and at time completely ignoring. No more. (in theory) It is time to embrace the boundaries. Time to let my success be marked by more than just how well Bree slept and what kind of mood she is in!

So upon reflection it turns out the issue causing my frustration and sadness it really me. haha Surprise!

Therefore the prayer request I am putting out there is that those of you who know the Lord will lift me up and pray for strength and wisdom. Bree is wonderful and I will not be able to make her life perfect and smooth. I am a big factor in the bumpiness of her life but not the one in control. So thank you for reading and hopefully commiseration, and then heartfelt praying.

I appreciate it and need it!

Let me know if there is anything I can be praying for to help you.

Another year

Shaun let Bree sit up in the bath tub the other night. And it unleashed a flood of emotions from me. I actually sat on the couch all curled up looking at him like he was evil.

It was pathetic. Thankfully Shaun is a very forgiving guy who happens to love me, a lot!

I cried a little too. Turns out I am sad to let my baby grow up. She is nine months old now. The poor thing deserves to play in the tub. She is steady enough now and smart enough not to do anything too crazy like try and climb out and slip and kill herself. I can see that now after watching her play in there. Her Grandma got her a basket ball hoop with big suction cups and some balls, she loves to chase after the balls and grab them and then of course, put them in her mouth.

She is getting bigger. She will turn one this year. She will walk in the next month or two. She will never again be my baby.

I can have another baby and I have reminded of that fact by many people. But I think Skylana will understand what I mean when I say, "but this little one, this baby is my baby."

I'm working through the pain. lol I am learning to embrace the chance because I can't stop it as my dear husband pointed out, "I am powerful but not that powerful."

So true . . . deep breaths.

Holiday Season

This is Bree's first holiday season, well the first she was able to witness from outside the womb. And as a first time Mom who is really into holiday crafts and traditions and any excuse to get kids and families together to have some sort of "organized fun"I was really looking forward to celebrating the season.

I wanted to trick or treat again, carve goofy pumpkins, and see the excitement on little ones faces when they see the tree on Christmas morning. I am not sure if you have spotted the problem yet so if not you are like me and I am going to need to share my new found knowledge with you. Bree is still a baby. Meaning she has no idea that she was dressed up as a mouse for Halloween or that the Harvest party we took her too was worth staying up for. lol

The Christmas tree is just a thing conveniently holding red balls that are great for sucking. The presents under the tree are just handy steeping blocks for reaching said red balls.

Winter Wonderland down at the sunken gardens held no excitement for Bree. Turns out they don't let babies slide down the snow hill or play in the snow pile, or ride the train. And apparently said baby would rather be warm and snugly at home anyway.

So . . . I think I may need to wait a few years for the "magic" to return.

The Enforcer

When they placed Bree on my stomach right after she was born I looked at her and thought, "Wait, really? This is my baby. Are you sure?" After we brought her home I thought she was fantastic and so sweet but it wasn't till she started to grow up a bit and I could see her little soul, her personality, that I began to love her. And I am talking real love not I love chocolate and the beach and sleeping in. :) 

So naturally I want to make her happy because I love her and she is the most adorable, fun, silly thing that I have ever loved. I play with her, I wake up in the night to feed and comfort her, I wake up in the morning when she does, I cancel plans when she isn't feeling well, I give up my own wants to meet her needs. I sacrifice my silly desires to make her life wonderful and to make her feel safe and secure. 

That kind of caring is easy. Don't get me wrong it can be extremely draining but it is simple. Love baby by meeting baby's needs and you have one happy baby.  It is simple, usually very clear cut and pretty immidiatly rewarding.

Bree will be eight month old in a couple weeks and it seems that loving her is not so easy now. She is still the most wonderful little person, but now meeting her needs does not always make her happy. Not I meet resistance in my quest to takecare of those pesky needs.

She wants to explore. She wants cat food, toilets, dishes, power cords . . . . the list goes on. And I must tell her that these things are not for her and she does not like that.

She needs sleep and being the active little tyke she is, she is not interested in naps. So I must leave her in her crib and let her cry so that she can learn how to nap on her own. Loving her makes her temporarily (and sometimes for half an hour or more when she is fighting a nap) very unhappy.

In the long run loving her will make her a happy, alive child and these are serious incentives.

This kind of loving behavior has a down side: the pain it causes me to hear her cry, have her look at me with those tear filled eyes, and the panicky feeling I get thinking she won't love me anymore if I make her take one more nap are selfish reason not to take care of my girl the way she needs.

I can feel myself turning a corner here. I am becoming a real parent, a real mom. I am understanding tough love and thinking that it is probably called that because in the beginning (for the tender hearted selfish lovers like me) it is so tough to love that way! I want to be the one to make her smile I want to fill her life with toys and hugs and out door adventures. I don't want to be the enforcer of naps and safety rules and behavior modification. But if I indulged my selfish desires I would have a crazy, dirty, aggressive, mischievous, exhausted, cranky, little monster.

Time to toughen up my love. Time to get real. *sigh*

Thanks to those Mom's in my life who have gone before me and survived to share your wisdom and support. 

Bree Update

Last week marked Aubrey's seven month b-day and boy is she one crazy kid.

Let me list her new accomplishments:

She has two bottom teeth. 

And boy did she earn those little suckers. There were a few days when I thought a gremlin had come in the night and replaced my sweet little baby. 

She is eating real food

Food her mother prepares for her, which has been pretty easy so far especially with the help of our neighbor's food processor. Bree has been really good about eating everything I have given her except zucchini, her zucchini face was priceless. I think she would have emancipated herself right then and there if she had know what emancipation was. 

She is crawling like an old pro. 

It is so funny when she crawls from the living room to join me in the kitchen, she has this sad little cry that she makes the whole way until she can plop herself down at my feet, and the she is content. Sometimes she crawls up my leg like she is asking to be picked up. So I do and I hold her for a bit and then she has had enough and wants to go play once more. It is like she is saying, "Just checking in Mom."

She is pulling herself up and standing. 

She especially enjoys pulling Daddy's speakers off the entertainment center.

She is super active. 

I feel like any day now she is going to be a toddler asking me for things. It is said so much but I have to agree, It is flying by so fast.

I am so in love with her and I marvel at the fact that a whole person exists inside her little baby body. She got her first pair of jeans last week and when she wears them with her little baby shoes she is the cutest babe around.

Over extended

I am lying on my couch exhausted using my laptop to warm my lap. Fall has finally come and I am once again happy that my laptop puts of an amazing amount of heat, not so fun in the summer.

Aubrey and I are exhausted today. We had a super full day yesterday, spending the morning in SLO, the afternoon watching my favorite two year old, and the evening with our new friends. Everything we have been doing is fun, I am just beat. I guess I am no longer the energizer bunny. I use to be able to go go go. Granted that was before I had a little munchkin of my own who still wakes a few times in the night.

It looks like I am going to need to slow things down a bit. Having two of three social get togethers a day is taking its tole. When Bree was first born I was craving just one friend to talk to and hang out with and now the Lord has blessed me with too many. Every week I seem to meet another person who I think it would be fun to hang out with. I never thought I would have this problem! Like I said my early days as a stay at home mom were pretty bleak in the social area.

I am not sure what we are going to do. I have a weaken when it comes to making decisions about social stuff. I worry to much that I will make the wrong choice and miss out or have things go badly. I have regretting and going down the "should have" path. I'm getting better at leaving the cards where they lie but it is definitely an area that the Lord is hounding me in right now.

Wow my life is so terrible! lol I am glad I'm writing this out because truly this is a great problem to have. I just hate to miss a good time but I doubt an exhausted mom and babe will still find themselves welcomed if they don't find some time for rest and naps.

A New World

Nothing like a Presidental Race to get me blogging again.

I am not completely sure how I feel about the results of the election . . . . It is only slowly becoming real.

I do know that I feel hopeful: I cried when I listened to OBama's exceptance speech.

I feel like things in this country might change for the better.

I feel like I might want to actually fly an american flag.

I want to feel patriotic not just know I should be thankful for everything in my life that comes from being an American citizen.

Bree will grow up in a country that elected Barack OBama to lead them. That is pretty fantastican. The fact that is an African American is pretty awesome but I am more excited about what I see to be his reasonable, intelligent, thoughtful, and passionate character. I believe he can appoint people who will and can make changes in our government so that it is working for its citizens. I am feel optimistic about the future of our government and our society. I like the ideal Barack represents. I like that I can call him Barack and that I secretly wish he and his family could all come over for dinner.

I am excited about the future. Yay for America! *tear